Life ain't always beautiful-- But it's a beautiful ride...

this is my life. In detail.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

those stars burn like diamonds...

soo i haven't blogged in a while so i think its about time. Last time i blogged was December 30, 2008. Alot has changed, I've been on weight watchers since January and i've lost 20.8 lbs so far and work out at the gym everyday for at least an hour and a half. I have no plans in quitting. I'm already starting to feel so much better. I work alot still at the barber center, like everyday. I love the books and the movie twilight. My feelings are everywhere. Lately i've been really sad for my brothers for the loss of their fellow officers// friends that were shot and killed on april 4th. It was in chris's zone 5 and paul sciullo was one of his good friends. It breaks me heart thinking about the loss of these 3 police officers. It makes me so proudof my 3 big brothers for putting their lives on the line everyday. I worry alot for them. I dont know what i would do without each one of my siblings. they all have a different part of me. eachone is so different and its like i need them to survive. I pray for them everyday to be safe as hey do their everyday jobs are police officers. I love my neice and nephew cameron and cooper so much they mke my bad days turn into better days. I also love my neice and nephew taylor and ethan. I dont talk to them as much as i should.. but i do miss them and love them too very much.

my thoughts are random, but i wanted to write something really quick before i go to bed. hopefully i can keep up with this thing!

i haven't forgot about you gram-- i love you and miss you more each day and i wish you were here<3

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

But well keep you close as always,It wont even seem youve gone,cause our hearts in big and small ways,Will keep the love that keeps us strong<3

R.I.P. Grandma<3>

Monday, November 17, 2008

I never new i could hurt like this.....

A grandma is warm hugs and sweet memories. She remembers all of your accomplishments and forgets all of your mistakes. She is someone you can tell your secrets and worries to, and she hopes and prays that all your dreams come true. She always loves you, no matter what. She can see past temper tantrums and bad moods, and makes it clear that they don't affect how precious you are to her. She is an encouraging word and a tender touch. She is full of proud smiles. She is the one person in the world who loves you with all her heart, who remembers the child you were and cherishes the person you've become.

grandma i love you more than you will ever know.....

Friday, November 14, 2008

its hard to fight when the fight ain't fair...

my grandma never got a chance to fight this.

I cant see her like this anymore its getting worse and worse day by day. I'm not strong enough to deal with seeing her die. it is killing me and ripping me apart inside. she is the not same.. it feels like she is aleady gone.i want my grama back. its not fair she never even got a chance to fight.... she is an amazing woman and she deserves a chance to fight this stupid cancer.. its so not fair. i cant see her like this.... i love my grama she means so much to me i cant believe she is dying... i want to wake up. I cant do it anymore. I cant do it...................................


Wednesday, October 29, 2008

i cant handle this anymore....

I was sitting here thinking of how stupid i was in the past. Girls cry over losing their boyfriends... me being one of them. You know what.. life goes on. there are much much much more important things in life then a guy. I look back and see how miserable i was after my boyfriend broke up with me.. i thought life was over. i thought life was so horrible... you know what. IT WASNT. i would do anything anything to go back in time and not be so depressed. that should have been least of my worries. Going through all of this with my grandma really really opens my eyes to whats important in life... and thats family. Family is everything. they never give up on you no matter what. they love you for who you are. mistakes you makes things you say choices you make.. they will always forgive you. Appreciate time you spend with the ones you love.. really appreciate it. Even people you dont like.. jst get over it. for whatever reason you dont like them for.. just get over it. Its in the past and there is no reason to dwell on it. My life right now is so insane. my emotions are everywhere.. i cant think straight. and i cant stop crying... i know life will go on .. my grandma passes away, i know it will. But it doesnt make my sad heartbroken feelings go away.
this afternoon i just sat there starring at my grandma as she slept. I just starred at her... for over an hour. She looked so peaceful sleeping... but inside shes dying. I wonder what she dreams about.. what she thinks about when shes awake. Is she stuck in a nightmare? Many times i wake up during the night thinking im in a nightmare.. then reality hits. And so many thoughts went through my head "Isn't there something someone can do to take her pain away" "Why cant doctors help her" "Why cant god just heal her and make everything alright" sooo many thoughts go though my head as i sit there and watch her sleep. When she wakes up she talks crazy because of all the meds she is to take her physical pain away.. I pray to god everynight that when my grandma does die, that its peacefully in her sleep. She has suffered so much... that poor women is going through enough. After she dies, all ill think about is how badly i miss her and i want to see her.. the decisions in my life are going to be ones my grandmother would like. things that would make her proud and things that would make her smile. When i have kids i wish i could explain to them what a wonderful person their great grandmother was.. but nothing can show how great she was without her being here. its not fair its so not fair she wont be here anymore.. People are probably wondering why i'm sitting here talking like shes already dead.. its because she IS going to die. its a fact. her she turns 72 on November 6th... and it will be her last birthday to live. and thats so hard for me to believe,
... my thoughts are everywhere so i need to stop typing but i want the world to know what a great person my grandmother is and how much i love her....

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

you've already had the best days of your life....

my grandmother has stage 4 colon cancer. she found 2 months ago. She has been given a month to live.. and that was last week. so only a few weeks left.
I have been on so many vacations and had so many amazing experiences with my grandma. Since i was little i've been to various places in the united states, been spoiled to death by her. I wouldnt be who i am today without her in my life.
I've been to maryland virginia wash DC florida california Utah Arizona Puerto Rico.. Grand Canyon, Golden Gate Bridge Alcatraz..and many more states/sites. all because of my grandmother. I have so many fond memories when i was younger.. all the beaches we went to all the shopping we did. How much she spoiled us as kids.. how i had the time of my life. I cant even type on here all the amazing times i've had.. but all i know is EVERY vacation I went on it was always special. We would come off the airplane and when we saw our grandmothers face it was the best feeling in the world. We would go back to her house and she ALWAYS had everything decorated candy in dishes gifts for us waiting on our arrival. EVERYTIME. I have had many birthdays while on vacation visiting my grandparents...i mean who gets to have their birthday in Puerto Rico, San Francisco, Miami, Phoenix? Those are the birthdays i will never forget... waking up in the morning to grandma singing me hapy birthday... the whole place decorated in strawberry shortcake decorations presents, plans made for the day. Not many people.
Besides all the vacations i've been on I have been taught so many thing thanks to my grandma. Crocheting, cake decorating, all kinds of crafts.. cooking. When we were apart from her she would call EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY and talk to each one of us. My sunday never felt complete if i didnt talk to her. But no matter what she always called. if she didnt get to talk sunday she wouold call monday. EVERY holiday we would wait for hte mail to come because we knew there would be a little special something in the mail for us from her. she made her own cards and decorated them personally for each of us kids along with money candy knick-knacs.. on every holiday!
I remember when she lived in the apartment in our house we always used to spend time there.. we would spend hte night and she would sleep on the couch and i would sleep on the floor next to her.. she held my hand and would hum songs to me while i fell asleep..she had this precious moments bible we loved and she always read to us. My favorite book in the whole would that she read to us was called "Miss Twigleys Tree" she read it to us all the time I even had it memorized! Near the 4th of july i remember her playing the song "Your a grand old flag" and we each had a little american flag and would march around her kitchen singing this song.
There are so many memories flying through my head right now i cant even type them out.
The past few years have been very hard things with my dad and things with boyfriends, fights with friends.. I always knew who to call when i was upset. My grandma. She always told me to find the good in people treat people how i would want ot be treated and love someone no matter what. Dont worry about what other people think. and most importantly that she and god love me the way i am and im perfect the way i am. She always made me feel better.. no matter what. Anything i needed my grama was there anytime.
The past year is filled with times I will cherish the rest of my life. My grandmother moved home from florida December 17, 2007. she moved into the apartment connected to my house. (basically is part of my house cuz i lived in it) and my first thought was "oh great" i didnt want her to move home because i wont lie i someitmes was a brat ot her and got anoyed with her sometimes... but i was upset she was moving home. and i dont know why. It was probably becaiuse that meant i would have to move out of my bedroom cuz my bedroom was in the apartment. Well things ended up being great.I started my job at hte barber center in January 2008. I worked from 11pm-9am. And EVERYDAY after working 10 hours all night i i made it a point to go over to my grandmas and just talk. see how she was doing and just spend time with her.. i always ended up being over there 2 hours at least. and i did this every morning. even when i would just want to sleep.. i couldn't sleep unless i wnet over and spent time wiht my grama. This continued all throughout the summer. I spent every waking moment besides when i was at work with my grandma. Not because it was the right thing to do.. not because i felt bad she was alone. it was because i wanted to. I got so used to spending all my time hanging out with my grandma. I did projects for her put things together that she couldnt do alone... I was there with her the whole past year she turned into my best matter what kind of mood i was in no matter if i got short with her... she was still right there for me when i needed her. Nobody understands how much my grama means to me.. she has been my best friend through out my whole life... but she has REALLY been my BEST friend the past year.. And I am so incredibly grateful for the past year i spent with her.. not even knowing she is going to die a year later.. i spent time with her because i love her so much. That year of my life will be with me forever.. i can say i spent the whole year with her befored she died and be so thankful for that time.
One day my grandma started feeling sick and had really bad pain... this went on for about 2-3 weeks... doctors didnt do anything. they said she had hemroids. well then finally on August 27th 2008 doctors found a massive tumor in her colon. I cant explain to you how i felt at this moment. We didnt know how serious it was.. she spent 3 weeks in the hospital. drs were back and forth on what to do. But it was way past the point of helping her. its spread to her liver and who knows where else.
Everyday I watch my grandma get worse and worse as the cancer spreads throughout her body. i watch her die more each day.. and its KILLING me inside.. its ripping me apart. BUt i stay strong for her. i told her when she goes to heaven that i will never ever ever forget her.. and to come visit me as my angel. The time isnt here yet but it will be very very soon. shes so miserably sick and weak. and its not fair. She is a strong person who lived a great life. its not fair she has to be the one to die. I dont know how to deal with this kind of thing i have never had someone so close to me die. I will be at her side till the day comes and she returns to heaven.
i love you more than i can even say grama... i love you so much