i cant handle this anymore....

I was sitting here thinking of how stupid i was in the past. Girls cry over losing their boyfriends... me being one of them. You know what.. life goes on. there are much much much more important things in life then a guy. I look back and see how miserable i was after my boyfriend broke up with me.. i thought life was over. i thought life was so horrible... you know what. IT WASNT. i would do anything anything to go back in time and not be so depressed. that should have been least of my worries. Going through all of this with my grandma really really opens my eyes to whats important in life... and thats family. Family is everything. they never give up on you no matter what. they love you for who you are. mistakes you makes things you say choices you make.. they will always forgive you. Appreciate time you spend with the ones you love.. really appreciate it. Even people you dont like.. jst get over it. for whatever reason you dont like them for.. just get over it. Its in the past and there is no reason to dwell on it. My life right now is so insane. my emotions are everywhere.. i cant think straight. and i cant stop crying... i know life will go on .. my grandma passes away, i know it will. But it doesnt make my sad heartbroken feelings go away.
this afternoon i just sat there starring at my grandma as she slept. I just starred at her... for over an hour. She looked so peaceful sleeping... but inside shes dying. I wonder what she dreams about.. what she thinks about when shes awake. Is she stuck in a nightmare? Many times i wake up during the night thinking im in a nightmare.. then reality hits. And so many thoughts went through my head "Isn't there something someone can do to take her pain away" "Why cant doctors help her" "Why cant god just heal her and make everything alright" sooo many thoughts go though my head as i sit there and watch her sleep. When she wakes up she talks crazy because of all the meds she is to take her physical pain away.. I pray to god everynight that when my grandma does die, that its peacefully in her sleep. She has suffered so much... that poor women is going through enough. After she dies, all ill think about is how badly i miss her and i want to see her.. the decisions in my life are going to be ones my grandmother would like. things that would make her proud and things that would make her smile. When i have kids i wish i could explain to them what a wonderful person their great grandmother was.. but nothing can show how great she was without her being here. its not fair its so not fair she wont be here anymore.. People are probably wondering why i'm sitting here talking like shes already dead.. its because she IS going to die. its a fact. her she turns 72 on November 6th... and it will be her last birthday to live. and thats so hard for me to believe,
... my thoughts are everywhere so i need to stop typing but i want the world to know what a great person my grandmother is and how much i love her....