love you gram<3

But well keep you close as always,It wont even seem youve gone,cause our hearts in big and small ways,Will keep the love that keeps us strong<3

http://www.legacy.com/ErieTimesNews/DeathNotices.asp?Page=Lifestory&PersonId=120655208

R.I.P. Grandma<3>

I never new i could hurt like this.....

A grandma is warm hugs and sweet memories. She remembers all of your accomplishments and forgets all of your mistakes. She is someone you can tell your secrets and worries to, and she hopes and prays that all your dreams come true. She always loves you, no matter what. She can see past temper tantrums and bad moods, and makes it clear that they don't affect how precious you are to her. She is an encouraging word and a tender touch. She is full of proud smiles. She is the one person in the world who loves you with all her heart, who remembers the child you were and cherishes the person you've become.

grandma i love you more than you will ever know.....

its hard to fight when the fight ain't fair...

my grandma never got a chance to fight this.

I cant see her like this anymore its getting worse and worse day by day. I'm not strong enough to deal with seeing her die. it is killing me and ripping me apart inside. she is the not same.. it feels like she is aleady gone.i want my grama back. its not fair she never even got a chance to fight.... she is an amazing woman and she deserves a chance to fight this stupid cancer.. its so not fair. i cant see her like this.... i love my grama she means so much to me i cant believe she is dying... i want to wake up. I cant do it anymore. I cant do it...................................

I LOVE YOU GRANDMA--I LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH<33

i cant handle this anymore....

I was sitting here thinking of how stupid i was in the past. Girls cry over losing their boyfriends... me being one of them. You know what.. life goes on. there are much much much more important things in life then a guy. I look back and see how miserable i was after my boyfriend broke up with me.. i thought life was over. i thought life was so horrible... you know what. IT WASNT. i would do anything anything to go back in time and not be so depressed. that should have been least of my worries. Going through all of this with my grandma really really opens my eyes to whats important in life... and thats family. Family is everything. they never give up on you no matter what. they love you for who you are. mistakes you makes things you say choices you make.. they will always forgive you. Appreciate time you spend with the ones you love.. really appreciate it. Even people you dont like.. jst get over it. for whatever reason you dont like them for.. just get over it. Its in the past and there is no reason to dwell on it. My life right now is so insane. my emotions are everywhere.. i cant think straight. and i cant stop crying... i know life will go on .. my grandma passes away, i know it will. But it doesnt make my sad heartbroken feelings go away.
this afternoon i just sat there starring at my grandma as she slept. I just starred at her... for over an hour. She looked so peaceful sleeping... but inside shes dying. I wonder what she dreams about.. what she thinks about when shes awake. Is she stuck in a nightmare? Many times i wake up during the night thinking im in a nightmare.. then reality hits. And so many thoughts went through my head "Isn't there something someone can do to take her pain away" "Why cant doctors help her" "Why cant god just heal her and make everything alright" sooo many thoughts go though my head as i sit there and watch her sleep. When she wakes up she talks crazy because of all the meds she is to take her physical pain away.. I pray to god everynight that when my grandma does die, that its peacefully in her sleep. She has suffered so much... that poor women is going through enough. After she dies, all ill think about is how badly i miss her and i want to see her.. the decisions in my life are going to be ones my grandmother would like. things that would make her proud and things that would make her smile. When i have kids i wish i could explain to them what a wonderful person their great grandmother was.. but nothing can show how great she was without her being here. its not fair its so not fair she wont be here anymore.. People are probably wondering why i'm sitting here talking like shes already dead.. its because she IS going to die. its a fact. her she turns 72 on November 6th... and it will be her last birthday to live. and thats so hard for me to believe,
... my thoughts are everywhere so i need to stop typing but i want the world to know what a great person my grandmother is and how much i love her....

you've already had the best days of your life....

my grandmother has stage 4 colon cancer. she found 2 months ago. She has been given a month to live.. and that was last week. so only a few weeks left.
I have been on so many vacations and had so many amazing experiences with my grandma. Since i was little i've been to various places in the united states, been spoiled to death by her. I wouldnt be who i am today without her in my life.
I've been to maryland virginia wash DC florida california Utah Arizona Puerto Rico.. Grand Canyon, Golden Gate Bridge Alcatraz..and many more states/sites. all because of my grandmother. I have so many fond memories when i was younger.. all the beaches we went to all the shopping we did. How much she spoiled us as kids.. how i had the time of my life. I cant even type on here all the amazing times i've had.. but all i know is EVERY vacation I went on it was always special. We would come off the airplane and when we saw our grandmothers face it was the best feeling in the world. We would go back to her house and she ALWAYS had everything decorated candy in dishes gifts for us waiting on our arrival. EVERYTIME. I have had many birthdays while on vacation visiting my grandparents...i mean who gets to have their birthday in Puerto Rico, San Francisco, Miami, Phoenix? Those are the birthdays i will never forget... waking up in the morning to grandma singing me hapy birthday... the whole place decorated in strawberry shortcake decorations presents, plans made for the day. Not many people.
Besides all the vacations i've been on I have been taught so many thing thanks to my grandma. Crocheting, cake decorating, all kinds of crafts.. cooking. When we were apart from her she would call EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY and talk to each one of us. My sunday never felt complete if i didnt talk to her. But no matter what she always called. if she didnt get to talk sunday she wouold call monday. EVERY holiday we would wait for hte mail to come because we knew there would be a little special something in the mail for us from her. she made her own cards and decorated them personally for each of us kids along with money candy knick-knacs.. on every holiday!
I remember when she lived in the apartment in our house we always used to spend time there.. we would spend hte night and she would sleep on the couch and i would sleep on the floor next to her.. she held my hand and would hum songs to me while i fell asleep..she had this precious moments bible we loved and she always read to us. My favorite book in the whole would that she read to us was called "Miss Twigleys Tree" she read it to us all the time I even had it memorized! Near the 4th of july i remember her playing the song "Your a grand old flag" and we each had a little american flag and would march around her kitchen singing this song.
There are so many memories flying through my head right now i cant even type them out.
The past few years have been very hard things with my dad and things with boyfriends, fights with friends.. I always knew who to call when i was upset. My grandma. She always told me to find the good in people treat people how i would want ot be treated and love someone no matter what. Dont worry about what other people think. and most importantly that she and god love me the way i am and im perfect the way i am. She always made me feel better.. no matter what. Anything i needed my grama was there anytime.
The past year is filled with times I will cherish the rest of my life. My grandmother moved home from florida December 17, 2007. she moved into the apartment connected to my house. (basically is part of my house cuz i lived in it) and my first thought was "oh great" i didnt want her to move home because i wont lie i someitmes was a brat ot her and got anoyed with her sometimes... but i was upset she was moving home. and i dont know why. It was probably becaiuse that meant i would have to move out of my bedroom cuz my bedroom was in the apartment. Well things ended up being great.I started my job at hte barber center in January 2008. I worked from 11pm-9am. And EVERYDAY after working 10 hours all night i i made it a point to go over to my grandmas and just talk. see how she was doing and just spend time with her.. i always ended up being over there 2 hours at least. and i did this every morning. even when i would just want to sleep.. i couldn't sleep unless i wnet over and spent time wiht my grama. This continued all throughout the summer. I spent every waking moment besides when i was at work with my grandma. Not because it was the right thing to do.. not because i felt bad she was alone. it was because i wanted to. I got so used to spending all my time hanging out with my grandma. I did projects for her put things together that she couldnt do alone... I was there with her the whole past year she turned into my best friend.no matter what kind of mood i was in no matter if i got short with her... she was still right there for me when i needed her. Nobody understands how much my grama means to me.. she has been my best friend through out my whole life... but she has REALLY been my BEST friend the past year.. And I am so incredibly grateful for the past year i spent with her.. not even knowing she is going to die a year later.. i spent time with her because i love her so much. That year of my life will be with me forever.. i can say i spent the whole year with her befored she died and be so thankful for that time.
One day my grandma started feeling sick and had really bad pain... this went on for about 2-3 weeks... doctors didnt do anything. they said she had hemroids. well then finally on August 27th 2008 doctors found a massive tumor in her colon. I cant explain to you how i felt at this moment. We didnt know how serious it was.. she spent 3 weeks in the hospital. drs were back and forth on what to do. But it was way past the point of helping her. its spread to her liver and who knows where else.
Everyday I watch my grandma get worse and worse as the cancer spreads throughout her body. i watch her die more each day.. and its KILLING me inside.. its ripping me apart. BUt i stay strong for her. i told her when she goes to heaven that i will never ever ever forget her.. and to come visit me as my angel. The time isnt here yet but it will be very very soon. shes so miserably sick and weak. and its not fair. She is a strong person who lived a great life. its not fair she has to be the one to die. I dont know how to deal with this kind of thing i have never had someone so close to me die. I will be at her side till the day comes and she returns to heaven.
i love you more than i can even say grama... i love you so much

i love you gram<3

Hang in there.. i dont know what i will do without you....
I LOVE YOU<3

Because these things will change we can see it now these walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down--

so i haven't written anything in a long time..

butttt here here it goes.

July 25th i went to the Rascal Flatts// TAYLOR SWIFT concert with one of my good friends ashley. I got to meet them for the 3rd time! :) My friend ashley has nodular melanoma and she was able to make time in between surgerys// treatments to go to the concert with me that we have been planning for a long time. It was the best time of our lives. We had so much fun<33>

The day after i celebrated my 20th bday here are a few pictures:

monday i got my wisdom teeth out and right now im suffering from a bit of pain. lol so im trying to hurry this stupid blog up!

but here is a pic of me day of my surgery

then a picture the day after... I look alot better the 2nd day.. but i wasn't that lucky ebough to get away with no swelling... cuz today i puffed up and am in alot more pain then yesterday :(

thats all for now im in pain im going to bed.

Bob that head, every friday night. Got the windows rolled down, seats reclined givin everybody that rock on sign<3

1st time I met them August 23rd-- 2005<32nd time i met them August 30th-- 2007<3

I am going to a Rascal Flatts//Taylor Swift concert on my 20th bday with my friend ashley in Cleveland Ohio July 25th. I requested a Rascal Flatts Meet And Greet (which are hard to ge now-a-days) AND I GOT ONE! This will be my 3rd time meeting them but its exciting every single time. I am so excited its not even funny. I love these times in my life<3

cause you keep me coming back for more. And i feel a little better than i did before-- and if i never see your face again then i dont mind.

So I think im starting nutrisystem. Its a weightloss program. Its like weight watchers except i dont have to count points. They will send me all the food i will need besides like fruits. Its all about portions and thats what i need. I cant do it on my own. I jsut cant. I loved weight watchers but it started getting real expensive ANDDD I HATED COUNTING POINTS. with nutrisystem its all figured out. I'm gonna try it a month and see how it goes.. its $290 a month but i figure-- i blow money on fast food// other un-needed stuff... why not put it somewhere that will be worth it. I am so tired of struggling with being over weight. I cant do it anymore.. i really cant. What do you all think? IS it worth trying a month to see how i like it?

David Archuleta<3

I am in love with David Archuleta thats all there is to it!

He is so adorable. <3

I'm gonna love myself, more than anyone else. Believe in me, even if someone cant see a stronger woman in me..

I haven't written in a while. I been way too busy.

But i'll write a few thoughts im having.

I love my job.. i absolutely love it. Its the best job i've ever ever had. I went to pittsburgh a couple weekends ago and really really enjoyed myself hanging out with Chris and Heather most of the time. And josh for a little bit. I was off for about 6 days and I went there the whole time i was off. I figured thats probably the longest amount of time i'll have off for the whole summer so i better enjoy it. It was so nice to get away. I didn't even want to come home. I was looking into transfering to the Barber Cneter there. But then i realized I can't just yet. I need money and I shouldn't rush into anything. I dont wanna be stuck in a mess. I feel like i've started to get depressed a little lately about being alone. I know I dont need anyone to be happy, and for the most part I am happy.. I just get lonely. very lonely. I have gotten rid of a friend that is the most horrible person you could EVER meet. Literally. It feels so good to not have her over my shoulders making me feel like i'm nothing to anyone. She lives her life the complete opposite of me and it makes me sick. But at least i dont have her around anymore. She has gone way too far this time with some of the things shes said to me.

I bought cowboy boots today!!! I'm so excited! I'm gonna be going to a couple Rascal Flatts concerts this summer so I'm all set!! I cant wait for my birthday July 25th.. cause its the Rascal Flatts concert in OHIO and i'm going with my friend! Then there ones in pittsburgh in August that i'm not sure who im' going with BUT I"M GOING!

well im rambling on.. i jsut got out of work im tired so i'll stop. haha <3

people always let you down....

today was a crappy day... im sick i worked.. i found some things out that broke my heart and made me sick at the same time-- and everything is just so screwed up in my life right now.

Im too tired to type anything more but I just haven't written anything for a while cause i forget i even have this. i'm sure i'll vent more later.

we were livin’ for the minute we were spinnin’ in-- maybe we were a lot of things,but we weren’t crazy :)

my life is pretty good..

im gonna start going to a therapist again just to keep everything on track.

My face is breaking out again so i have to go back to the doctors for some antibiotics that clears my face up.

I love pay days

i love cell phones

i love rascal flatts and i can't wait for my birthday!!

I hate girls who sleep around alot and lie and cheat and act like they are sooo cool. cause they aren't.

i'm proud of how i have changed and made my life better by making good decisions.

work is going good. the WORK is going good.. not really the people i work with.. i do everything and im tired of it.. but i dunno.

I love that the weather is getting nicer out.

i'm kinda being random.. im typing random thoughts that cmoe to my mind.

so i gtg to bed tho im tired.

night!

[no i wasn't drinking in this picture]

Too good is true......

so i haven't written a blog in a long time-- i just haven't had the time. I been doing nothing but work sleep work sleep work sleep work sleep for the past like 2 weeks. 3rd shift seems to drag on. But hey i'm making some money$$

The weather is slowly starting to get better. When the weather gets better, my moods get better! Seriously tho when the weather is nice.. it makes me ina good mood. I cant wait to start walking every night like i did last year. I lost weight and I didn't even realize it!

Alot of things are going on this summer that im REALLY REALLY looking forward to! Mostly just Rascal Flatts//Taylor Swift concerts. [my 2 favv singers touring together whats better than that?!] July 25th is the concert in Cuyahoga Falls, OH-- thats my 20th bday!! So i'm deff heading up there and having the time of my life. THEN August 30th Is another Rascal Flatts concert this time its in Pittsburgh yayy[the picture is from last year RF concert with josh!]

so i can go for a whole weekend and stay with my brothers! Its going to be so much fun I'm gonna meet hopefully Rascal Flatts AND Taylor Swift i'm also gonna get PIT passes. Which are AMAZING seats. What can I say I'm obsessed. Some people are obsessed with alcohol or smoking or whatever else.. well im obsessed with going to concerts. I'd have to say thats not a bad obsession. It makes me happy and thats all i really care about. I'm sure there will be other concerts I'll be going to but those are teh 2 im soo excited for.

also this summer i'm hopefully getting an apartment... I'm ready to be on my own. I just need to save some money..

Things have deff got better.. I went to a Relief Society thing for church with my mom and grandma the other night and I hate to say it but i really enjoyed it lol I never thought i'd say that. I'm also going to a relief society thing i think tomorrow morning or thursday morning. I dont remember what we are doing. Also on the 27th I'm teaching a thing about how to use function on your cell phone that most 50+ women in church have NO IDEA how to use. But i know it all haha

overall im doing good.. just working soo much it kinda got ridiculous but things are calming down a bit and i have a few days off so i'm just enjoying them<3

think about it....

I dont know how it gets better than, this you take my hand and drag me head first FEARLESS--

Im irritated i was scheduled to work tonight saturday night and sunday night. The scheduke is made a month in advance so my boss[s] should tell me thsi stuff. BUT they scheduled too many people so I HAD TO GET SENT HOME. So i get screwed over 30 hours. AFTER they just screwed me 16 hours. What money right? Who needs it? Who needs to work? I DO. I'm so angry and frustrated. I just had to post taht real quick.

ONE TREE HILL LOVE<3

So i absolutely LOVELOVELOVE One Tree Hill. I love it. I love all the actors/actress's in the show im obsessed. lol i hope haley and nathan work things out. AND OMG Haley tells lucas not to marry Lindsey. ahhh

I finally got ahold of nicki after having plans with her on friday and saturday and completely got blown off by her. Then i wasn't able to get ahold of her for 4 DAYS. I almost had a heart attack cause i thought she was dead. I worked out today on the elliptical. goodness was i tired. im not gonna say how long i ran for cause its pathetic but hey its a start. Wanna know what i ate? CHINESE! and CAKE! And i just freakin worked out. I got to change my eating habits. They suck. Work is crazyyy i swear that place is freakin nuts. I was supposed to work friday saturday and sunday 3rd shift. Well they called and i was supposed to work 1st shift on Thursday and Friday cause one of the residents is sick and has to stay home from work so I would be working from 8-4 just me and her both on thursday and friday. Then friday saturday and sunday 3rd shift still. WELL i just got a call they had to call an ambulance for this resident im supposed to take care of thursday and friday so they aren't sure if she will be admitted or not. but so yea tomorrow im working 3-8 to cover my boss's shift incase she has to be in the hospital with her. Yes confusing I know-- but seriously it is crazy. I dont mind its kinda fun all this craziness but i know the fun-ness wont last long haha. Anyways i'm still looking for an apartment. Trying to save money. Once i get my $400 cell phone bill paid to t-mobile[dont have them anymore they suck] and pay my $300 credit card off then i can start saving. I jsut wanna catch up on all my big bills so i dont gotta worry about them anymore. So yea lifes crazy but its okay. And the list i posted before this. None of them are taken care of. lol i still need to calll the dr and the dentist. anyways goodnight!!!

I'm only fooling myself....

for some reason i dear writing these blogs! lol but life sucks. its always one thing after another and its never ending. NEVER.

Heres a list of things that are on my mind:

1) friends-- i am the only one attempting to have a friendship with several of my friends its like they make no effort to talk to me or hang out.

2)Doctors appointments-- I have so many problems that need taken care of. girl problems weight problems wisdom teeth.. etc...

3)my job-- I LOVE IT. But this 2nd and 3rd shift back and forth back and forth back and foth is KILLIN ME. Im not gonna quit its just been on my mind alot about how all these different shifts are screwing me up.

4) Moving- I need to move out ASAP but i need money and that means i HAVE TO work 2nd and 3rd shifts if i want to get 40 hours so i can have good paychecks and save money and be able to move. I want to find a nice apartment thats in my price range that isn't creepy.

5)MONEY IS ALWAYS ON MY MIND

6)My weight-- i am so lazy-- i love food(who doesn't?) and i need to start working on losing weight.

7)church-- I am confused about it and im not sure when i should start going back. Shouold i go back to my old ways and just drink all the time and become a loser again? JK NO WAY.

8) Back to friends-- some of my friends are loserss... serioulsy im so glad im not like them.
I have so many things on my mind.. its not even funny. I need to go back to a therapist.BUt you need money to do anything. And im just so stressed.

I will write more tomorrow or something im too lazy to type anymore.

Like a painted wild mustang- flying out across the open range finally gets to live her life that way-- no fear no fences nobody-- no reins<3

I keep freaking forgetting i have this blog! I haven't written in 4 days.. geez. Well I been working alot its been snowing alot. I got my new shoes in the mail today. I helped my mom put together part of our elliptical. Then i had to go to work. I made dinner for everyone at work. got to drive the sweet barber center mini van to pick up the meds. All together it was a great night at work and everyday i love it more. Which is EXTREMELY surprising. I never like my jobs! But i love love love it! I been thinking about moving out at the begining of the summer but im thinking i'll wait till the end of the summer or sometime by the end of the year.. I want to save up a few thousand HOPEFULLY. or a couple thousand. I want to have backup money for when i move out i dont want to be broke then be screwed by it. I feel very seperated from Rascal Flatts i just been so busy with life I haven't had time for rascal Flatts! it makes me sad :( But im super super tired so im going to bed after i take acid controller cause i been having really really bad heartburn. I cant wait to wake up tomorrow and start using the elliptical! love<3

I need your light to help me find my place in this world.....

I just ate Taco Bell and I feel sick now and its just gonna make me fat so why did i eat it? Cause i love food. I eat kinda bad but who doesn't? I'm not a fat hog like people say-- i eat just as much as anyone else. Just some people are lucky enough to not gain weight. Then theres me. I need to start eating right. Tuesday we are getting an elliptical and I'm gonna start using it-- maybe start out slow and work my way up to hopefully and hour a day. On top of me sitting here writing about how im fat and need to eat healthy.. im thinking about how i want cadbury eggs lol I'm craving chocolate. I dont want to work today but i need the money. Friday is pay day and im excited. But it will all go to bills :( I work from 3-11-- I dont think i like 2nd shift. Its harder for me to go to work. I feel like im missing out on stuff. Cause i usually am So its harder to make myself go. I'd rather just lay around and watch tv all day then work. See but when i work 3rd shift I'm not mssing anything [besides sleep] which is okay cause i only need like 5 hours.. I love 3rd shift so i really hope they dont start scheduling me got 2nd cause then i will say something. Cause I was hired for 3RD shift NOT 2ND!!!! anyways i am gonna take a power nap and go buy some chocolate. <3

Kindly Unspoken--

so i haven't posted a blog in a couple days... but anyways thursday i hung out with nicki which was nice. We went out to jade garden and it was good-- i could only eat 1 plate then iwanted to barf. We came back here and she caught up on the seasons of One Tree Hill. I slept for about an hour from 7:45-8:45 pm then got up for work and worked from 11pm-9am. I came home did some stuff fell asleep at about 11:30 and woke up at 2pm-- that was only2.5 hours. I was really tired but then my mom wanted to go out to dinner at O Charlies. IT WAS SOOO GOOD. first of all they brought our side salads and they were huge. I oredered a steak and the steak was done before i could even finsih my salad. I got the 10oz sirloin and it was superr duper yummy. and i got a baked potatoe with it. mmmm i could go for that right now. But yea then we got a piece of cake, IT WAS HUGE. we all had plenty. Then we went to khols and I found the bras i lovee. AND I GOT THE CUTEST PURSE! I'm in love it was normally 44 then i thought it was 25 then i got to the register and it was 17 plus my mom had an extra 15% off! So it was like 15 dollars for a 44 dollar purse!! It so cute i love it. Then when we got home i took molly to my dads. I was outside shoveling and playing with Moe my dads dog and he attacked me and woudln't let go. He got a hold of my one hand and was clenched to it so tight i was crying and screaming for molly to come outside and help. I honestly thought he bit my finger off. It hurt so bad and he got my other hand too on my one hand i just got a cut i thought was bad cause it was bleeding alot but its not bad and my other hand i ccouldn't move and got a tooth slash type thing and it kinda hurts. But my hands were all scratched up and welted and i couldn't move my left hand but after i uced it it was fine. I told my dad and of course he said his dog wouldn't purposly do that and he probably thought i was playing with him. FIrst of all it didn't seem to me he was playing. second of all either way he is too rough and cant be trusted. Then after that i got into a fight with kelly and she said TONSSSSSSSSSSS of horrible horrible horrible horrible mean stuff about me. I honestly dont trust anyone anymore. I dont know who my friends are anymore. Friends aren't always who you think they are. So im kinda going crazy. alright and so me and kim are going on a date toniht so hopefully she takes me somewhere good. SHe should really appreciate it cause work call and asked me to pick up a shift from 4-midnight and I ReALLY NEED TO. but i'm calling them back and telling them i can't. I cold really reall really use that exra shift. So yea im hopeing my new phones comes in the mail today. It should. I checked the status of my new Etnies and they just got shipped this morning from Indianapolis, IN this morning so I wont get them until monday. which kina blows. So yea its been kinda crazy but its all good. I'm going to shower now. BYE!

my place in this world.

today is a super day! I was going to go out to Beths in Corry but she ended up coming here so i get to save gas and save the drive. I loveeee cameron she makes me happy! I am enjoying working some then having off some. But still having good paychecks and able to pay my bills. Other than that nothing is really going on today... I'm gonna lay around the rest of the night and watch American Idol and whatever elseee! loveeeee<3

oh geeeez!

I wasn't so sure about this whole blog thing.. im hooked to myspace.. i write alot of blogs on there, but i guess i'll try this out also.
Today was a gay day. I woke up found out Beth and Cameron were gonna be over-- they got here then left again! Thats okay-- then i had to go to a iservice lift training for work.. well i showed up and it eneded up being just my boss and I. And it was akward cause i just started so i barley know her. But it was alright. Today was nice to relax-- clean up my room and do laundry.
I thought I had problems.. but geeeez there are some people in my family that got worse problems then me. DRAMA-- didn't think it actually happend much in families besides the normal fighting. But it makes me really upset with things that are being said and It breaks me heart. My grandma tells me how she never talks to her siblings-- and they never really got along and dont have a relationship at all. And to me I can't even imagine not having a relationship with my family. Certain people in the family are pushing themselves away from the rest of us. And it breaks me heart cause im afraid as the years go on we are all gonna end up like my grandma is with her family. I dont ever want that to happen. I thought family was supposed to be there for you at all times. I want to stay close with my brothers and sisters forever. just like i am now. ANd im sooooo afraid that wont happen. I been through too much stuff with friends and i been let down so many times and people come in and out of my life. ANd i thought family was supposed to be there always-- and the things that are starting to happend between certain people makes me wonder if even family is always going to be there? I just want to cry-- my heart breaks easily and I dont like things that are going on in my family. If its not one thing its another. Its like my personal problems get better.. THEN SOMETHING ELSE COMES UP. Life is never ending. I dont understand. Why can we have breaks? why does it have to be constant? I'm not perfect.. nobody is-- and I dont understand why some things in life happen the way they do....